Our Journey to Parenthood

When I was younger and thought about getting married and having a family I just assumed that when my husband and I were ready I would get pregnant right away and have a healthy baby. I was so naive. I personally know women, and have read stories of many women's heartaches with trying to conceive, miscarriages, stillborns, or the loss of an infant. Every story doesn't always have a happy ending.

Mike and I were high school sweethearts and go married in February of 2008. All I've ever wanted in life was to be a mom and I was ready to have a baby right away. Mike; not so much! So in the spring of 2010 we decided that we were going to try and get pregnant in June of that summer. Apparently God had other plans because on April 24 I saw two pink lines on a home pregnancy test. It was a little earlier than we expected but we were both so excited. I was due January 4th and had a very uneventful pregnancy. In August we found out we were going to have a little girl and decided to name her Eleanor. She came into our world at 37 weeks and changed our life forever.

Head over to Everyday Love to read the rest of our story of our Journey to Parenthood

Meeting Michael

 

When I was pregnant we didn't tell anyone until pretty late in the pregnancy. We kept it a secret and only told immediate family until we had already found out we were having a boy. After the miscarriage I was nervous that everything would be ok so we waited extra long to share the news. We waited just as long to tell Ellie because we didn't want her running around saying "Mommy has a baby in her belly!!" When we told her we tried our best to make sure that Ellie understood what was happening. We would tell her that she was going to be a big sister and that baby Michael was in my belly. We prayed for him every night that he would grow big and strong and that he would be healthy. She would talk about him and she heard his heartbeat when she went to a few of my midwife appointments with me. I really didn't know how much she actually grasped and wondered how much it would rock her world when he actually arrived.

 

When I went into labor Ellie stayed with my brother and sister-in-law Andrea while we were at the hospital. Andrea sent us lots of pictures of Ellie having fun while she stayed at their house. We couldn't believe how big she looked now that we had another little baby in our family.

Doesn't she look so big!!

We had told her that I was going to have baby Michael and she was going to be a big sister. The day after Michael was born they came up for her to meet him and I was so curious how she would react. I am so thankful to Andrea for capturing these first moments of us as a family of four! Ellie was excited to see her daddy and I and knew right away that this was baby Michael.

I told her that baby Michael was here and wasn't in mommy's belly anymore. She kept saying "aww he's so cuuuute." and "he's so liiiiiittle." She knew that this was baby Michael and this was her little brother. It was so sweet and warmed my mama heart to see her loving her little brother so much.

 

She was so gentle and sweet with him I couldn't believe it. After a little while my brother and SIL held Michael while Ellie and her little cousin entertained themselves playing in the hospital room. It was such a sweet time and I was so glad that Ellie was able to come up and meet her little brother.

 

 

Since we have been home she hasn't asked if there is a baby in my belly and she absolutely adores Michael. She looks for him first thing in the morning, she always strokes his head and says he's so cuuute, when I burp him she pats his back and says "he's such a good baby", and she covers him with a blanket; and not his head either. She will just put it over his legs and say "there ya go". She tells me she loves him and is just so sweet.

 

She seems to have adjusted so well and hasn't had really any behavioral changes or jealousy outbursts. She has never tried to hit him, or ask when he's going back to the hospital. She was in heaven after he was born because Mike took some time off work and she got to play with daddy all day. I love her sweet spirit and am so thankful that it was a pretty smooth transition for her. I am so excited to watch them grow up together and I pray the become the best of friends in the years to come!

 

 

 

 

I Should Be...

A lot of other bloggers have been posting about how everyone seems to be in a blogging "funk". I definitely feel like I am in a funk. Not only have we been super busy this summer, but it's been really hard to log into my account and see posts from 5 of the blogs I follow about their growing bellies and their excitement for their pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited for all these ladies; but my grief from our loss is still really fresh and knowing that I should celebrating right along with these ladies is really hard for me. 

I can't bring myself to delete this app off my phone. It is really hard to see and know how far along I am supposed to be, but on the other hand it helps me to remember the sweet life that we lost. I was right around 16 weeks when I first felt the little "flutters" when I was carrying Ellie and my heart aches with the fact that I should be feeling our little nugget move soon.

 I have been doing a lot better, but just last night I was lying in bed and that all too familiar knot snuck up in my throat. No matter how hard I tried to swallow it back down I couldn't. Before I knew it I was choking back the tears. Mike grabbed my hand and asked me if I was ok. I couldn't say anything. He asked me what was wrong and between my sobs all I could say was "I...just...miss...our...baby...I...am...so...sad...we...lost...the...baby..." 

It's been really hard now that I am nearing the time that I would have had the anatomy scan and we could have found out if we were having a little boy or another little girl. 

It's hard knowing that at my best friend's bachelorette party next month I should be 20 weeks. I shouldn't be able to have a cocktail, instead I should be cherishing every little kick, punch, and roll. And at her wedding I should be 25 weeks. I should have a little soccer ball sized belly and be glowing in pregnant bliss. It's hard to think about all the milestones that we should be experiencing and preparing for, but I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget how far along I should be. I don't want to pretend that I never lost the baby or forget about the life that God gave us for just a short time. I can only hope that He will one day bless us again with a healthy sweet little baby. I know that resting in the arms of Jesus is much better than any life our baby could have experienced here. I can't wait to get to Heaven and look into our child's eyes and say "Mommy loves you so much."

The Cord

Author Unknown

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised…. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

Gotta Love A Vacation Post

Every year, since before I was born, my entire family spends a week at Gull Lake Ministries. 

It was my favorite place to be growing up. I still love going, but vacation is a little different when you are chasing around a toddler. 

Less tanning by the lake and more running around the playground.

 But I still love it. 

It's such a great week to spend time with family, eat amazing food, and grow closer to the Lord. 

The week was a little rough for me because we were planning on telling my family about our pregnancy while we were there, but instead I spent the week still grieving with the miscarriage. 

While we were there I found myself getting all sentimental about when we were there last year and just how much Ellie has grown and how things have changed. 

What a difference a year makes!

We stayed in the same condo this year, but we had the upstairs. The kitchen was a "kitchenette" so we didn't have a stove. So we had a lot of delicious sandwiches for lunch! But Lord knows we weren't hurting on the snack front. I brought 2 coffee cakes and some chocolate peanut-butter bars, we had 6 bags of assorted chex-mix, about 2 batches of cookies, puppy chow, 3 bags of chips, and some blueberry muffins. I'm pretty sure nobody lost weight that week. 

I swear the house isn't shifting, evidently I have some shaky hands.

This year the week went by so fast. Normally Saturday, Sunday, and Monday go by pretty slow and then Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday fly by. But this year the whole wee was a blur. 

Enter photo dump

The girls were obsessed with standing over the vents and playing in the curtains. 

Ellie had so much fun at the splash pad. She has the best daddy ever!

One of the theme dinner nights was "Take me out to the ball game" We of course had to support out Detroit Tigers and Ellie and Jackson had the same t-shirt on. I told them to stand next to each other and this is what they did. I die. I kept saying "Leah, no Lucy, No Leah, GAH-ELLIE stand next to Jackson!!!"  With 4 little girls in one house we could never get their names right!

The little girls. Obviously they were super cooperative for their group photo.


The last night was the "Stars and Stripes Carnival" We made tutu's for all the girls to wear.

Cousins in the bounce house

Our last day Ellie woke up from her nap with a fever. We brought her out to the living room and she just laid down on the ground. Mike and I just looked at each other in shock. She never lays down anywhere. She is always so busy. So we knew that she really wasn't feeling well. We gave her some motrin, before we took 100 pictures to document her actually sitting still, and she perked back up in no time. (We took her to the Dr's last Friday and she ended up having an ear infection and a respiratory infection. Poor sweet girl.)

We brought out all her animals for her to snuggle with. 

I swear we haven't converted, that is not a bindi on Ellie's head.

Before we left for vacation Ellie had a spot on her head that she would.not.stop.picking at. It was driving me crazy. She would leave it alone during the day but the when we put her down to sleep she would just lay there and pick, pick, pick. It was driving me crazy. And I didn't want her to end up with a scar. I didn't want to put a band-aid on it because I was afraid that she would pick it off and eat it. We tried a band-aid during one nap and when she woke up it was gone. I thought Oh boy, we're going to find that in her diaper later. Luckily we found it on her blanket, which happened every.single.time we put her down. But it did end up helping her head heal. But it didn't look very cute in pictures. 

All in all we had an amazing week. We made memories that we will cherish forever.

six.twenty-two.twenty-twelve.

A day I will never forget
(I have to warn you, this is really long. But this is written for me.)

Let's start back in April. 

We decided that it was time. 

We were ready to add to our family. 

Ellie was almost 16 months and I was finally getting over the PTSD I had from when she was a newborn. Mike told me he wanted a baby for his birthday (Feb. 26) which mean we had to get down to business. So I tossed out those little colored pills and we threw caution to the wind. I spent the whole month wondering if this was the month. One day I was sure I was pregnant, the next day I was convinced this wasn't our month. 

I took my first test on Tuesday, May 22. 

Negative

I thought maybe it was too early to tell so I put the rest of the tests in a drawer and promised myself I wouldn't test again until Thursday morning. 

I took my second test on May 24. Mike asked me what it said and I told him negative.

 Not a second after he closed the door to leave for work did that faint second line appear.

Positive?!

I took another test that afternoon and sure enough-positive.

This was it. I!was!pregnant!

I went back and forth in my mind on how I was going to tell Mike and when he called to tell me he was on his way home I knew how I was going to do it. 

When he came upstairs I told him I had a surprise for him...it was in the oven. 

He took out a package of hamburger buns and said "You made me hamburgers!!" I smirked and said "Nooo..." He said "Oh I know,  you found the manwich BBQ sauce!!" I laughed and said "Nope..." He looked at me confused and I said "Well you'll just have to figure it out cause I'm not going to tell you!" and that's when I knew he got it. His face lit up and he said "No, are you serious!!" I told him yes and he hugged me and we both laughed. That night we laid in bed talking about all our hopes and dreams for the new baby. Which room would be the baby's, how we wanted to paint, names we liked, what we were going to need etc. I could tell he was so excited. And so was I.

Ellie was a surprise. We weren't planning on trying for another few months when I found out I was pregnant.  Now don't get me wrong. We wanted her. We were so excited and happy to have her. But this was totally new to us. It was a completely different feeling. Knowing you were trying and hoping to see that second line. According to my handy dandy What to expect App I was due February 2, 2013. Our fifth wedding anniversary! What an amazing anniversary present!!

I went to the Dr's to confirm through a blood test and got the "Yep, you're pregnant." phone call. He told me he wanted me to have an ultrasound in 2 weeks. I would be 6 weeks 4 days, which was almost exactly how far along I was when we heard Ellie's heartbeat. We told immediate family so that we would have constant prayers over the next 9 months. I told one of my brothers the same way I told Mike and my SIL got it on camera. My sister told my brother that I made dessert for him, so I'm sure he was confused when he opened the oven door. 

 Tuesday
6.12.12

The weeks passed and Mike and I went in for the ultrasound. I was a little nervous, but trusted that every thing was in God's hands. The tech called  me back and when I was ready she turned on the screen. I couldn't see anything so I just went back and forth watching the tech and Mike's face. Then I saw his frown. My heartbeat quickened and I knew something wasn't right. She told me that there was a gestational and yolk sac but no baby. We went into a room to wait for the Dr. As soon as the nurse walked out I burst into tears. Mike sat next to me and just held me as I cried. 

The Dr. came in after what seemed like an eternity and told me the worst news I have ever heard in.my.life. 

"I just don't think this pregnancy is viable."

We were devastated. He told me that the sacs were irregular in shape and that every time he has seen this it has ended in miscarriage. They took my blood again to check my levels and he said he expected them to be low and not rising. He told me he would call me tonight with the results and set up a follow-up ultrasound for the next week. I asked him if we could expect to see anything different on the next ultrasound and he said No. Mike and I were devastated to say the least. 

My brother and SIL were at home watching Ellie and when we opened the door he looked at us and asked us how it went. I just looked at him and shook my head. He immediately got up and hugged me. Mike and I both cried and went to our room to have some time to talk and process things. That night my Dr called and said my levels have went from the original 227 to over 6,000. He told me not to get my hopes up and to still come in for my ultrasound the next week. After searching Dr. Goggle for hours on end I read story after story of women who have had the same diagnosis. Some who went on to have healthy pregnancies, and some that didn't. I tried to slap a smile on my face for the next week. I put on a brave face and stood up in my friends wedding trying to hold myself together. Even though I couldn't grasp the reality of it, I had come to terms with the fact that I was probably going to lose this baby. I prayed that if we were going to lose this pregnancy that it would happen before a baby ever developed because I thought it would be easier if we never actually saw a baby. I begged God for a miracle. He is the healer. He is almighty.

Monday

6.18.22

Mike and I tentatively drove to my Dr's office for our second ultrasound. My heart raced as I waited for them to call us back. When the tech came into the waiting room and called us back I thought I was going to puke. After I was all set she came in and turned on the machine. I lay there praying praying praying with my arm over my eyes. And then I heard it. The whoosh whoosh whoosh...there was a baby and a heartbeat of 126bpm. Our little baby was alive.

PRAISE GOD. PRAISE GOD. PRAISE GOD!!!

She tore off a picture for us to take home with us and we waited to talk to the Dr. 

He told me once again not to get my hopes up and that he wanted me to keep coming in for ultrasounds and he expected in the next few weeks we would come back and there wouldn't be a heartbeat. The whole time the Dr was giving me sad eyes and telling me things still didn't look good I just sat there smiling staring at the picture of my little baby. The little life that had formed inside of me. Ellie's little brother or sister. Our second child. Our baby.

I called and shared the amazing news with my family and asked them to continue flooding Heaven's gates with their prayers. I continued to have hope. I continued to pray for a miracle. Because my Dr was not God. He did not have the final authority. The Dr told me that my levels wouldn't rise. They did. 

He said that a baby wouldn't develop and we wouldn't see anything on our next ultrasound. We did. 

That week I decided that I wanted a second opinion. I wanted to use the midwives at my hospital for this birth so I made an appointment for that Friday. 

Friday
6.22.12

We drove the 25 minutes to the hospital anxious to meet the midwife and see what she had to say. We made small talk while we sat in the exam room waiting for her to come in. Once she came in I was instantly at ease. We had a conversation about what my Dr said, what my last birth was like, and why I wanted to use a midwife. She set my mind at ease and asked me when my due date was. I told her that they never gave me one. My Dr was so pessimistic for a good outcome he never told me. She said that I was due February 1, 2012. (Ellie was born 3 weeks early so I figured I would have a January baby.) She asked us if it was ok if she fit us in for an ultrasound this afternoon and of course we agreed. As I laid there on the table waiting for the tech I didn't know what to expect. But I was prepared either way. She turned on the machine and took picture after picture. I just laid there praying as I listened to the sound of her nails hitting the keys. And then it was time. I already knew. She turned on the audio and there it was...

nothing

A flat line across the screen. 

Sometime between Monday afternoon and Friday afternoon we had lost our baby.
I felt like I was instantly another statistic. I had joined a group, those of whom I felt such grief for, but never wanted to join.

She told us that the midwife would be in to go over everything with us. She came in and asked us if we were sure we heard the heartbeat on Monday. She suggested that maybe we just heard my heartbeat at the appointment. As much as we wished that were true we told her we definitely sure. Not only did we hear it, we saw it flickering on the screen. She said that I could go ahead and have a D&C or we could retest my hcg and make sure my levels were decreasing first. I told her I wanted to be 100% sure beyond a shadow of a doubt before we made any decisions.

They re-drew my blood after my appointment and we went home. Later that afternoon she told me my levels  were above 8,000. I had an appointment for the following Monday to re-draw my blood and talk about my options.

I was taking the news better than I ever expected I would. I had always wondered what I would do if I ever had a miscarriage. Would I cry? Would I be ok? How would I react? It wasn't until later that afternoon that it hit me. I went into our room and just laid on our bed sobbing. 

Hysterical. 

My baby was gone. Why is this happening? Why me? All the hopes and dreams that we had just talked about 4 weeks ago for this little one were just gone. I lost the baby. There is no more heartbeat. Mike lost his son or daughter. Ellie just lost her little brother or sister. There will be no baby come February. 

Our anniversary. How will I ever get through our anniversary knowing that I am supposed to be giving birth to a healthy little baby that weekend?

Monday

6.25.12

I drove myself to the hospital to have my final ultrasound that afternoon. We already knew what was going to happen so there was no need for Mike to take more time off work to come with me. They drew blood again. And then I met with the midwife who sent me over for one last ultrasound. There was a door in the room that connected to the bathroom. A girl in a purple shirt walked into the restroom and I saw her as she closed the door. When the tech came back in I stared at the ceiling while she took 100 more pictures-click, tap, tap, tap...and once again the thin straight line across the screen indicating there was no heartbeat. She asked me if I wanted her to explain what was going on and I said yes. She showed me the gestational sac, yolk sac, and the baby and explained that there was no heartbeat. She said that the yolk sac was larger than normal and told me she was so sorry. She asked me if I wanted a picture of the baby. She said I know it might sound weird, but it can help with closure. I told her that would actually mean a lot to me. So she printed me a picture and once again told me she was sorry.

My last picture of our baby

She sent me to the waiting room to wait to talk over my options with the midwife. It was just going to be "a few minutes". Which turned into well over an hour. There were no good magazines in the lobby, my cell phone was about to die so I just watched one pregnant girl after another happily walk in for their pre-natal appointment.
While I was sitting in the waiting room I saw the girl in the purple shirt walk out of the office. She was with her mom and holding hands with her boy friend. She couldn't have been over 17. Max. And in her other hand was a strip of ultrasound pictures. I caught a glimpse of the sonogram and saw a perfectly formed baby. She wasn't showing but I would assume she was around 12 weeks.
You've got to be shitting me.
She gets a baby? Really?
It took everything inside of me to keep myself together. Thankfully a nurse finally called me back to wait in an exam room instead. Maybe they finally realized having me sit out there was a horrible idea. While I was once again waiting a nurse called me on my cell phone to ask me if I was going to be coming in for my appointment. I thought I was going to jump through my phone and strangle her. I said I am at my appointment. I am waiting in a room to see the midwife. I have been waiting to see her. "Oh," she said "I guess I'll come down there then."
She walks in and tells me I am scheduled for 10:00 a.m. the next morning and grabs the door handle to leave the room. "For what??" I ask her. She tells me for my D&C. I almost yell "I don't even know if I'm doing that yet. The whole reason I'm sitting here waiting is to have someone explain everything to me and answer my questions." "Oh," she says once again. "I guess I'll send someone in." You guess. YOU GUESS? A few minutes later another nurse comes in and asks what type of questions I have and if someone can answer then over the phone. I told her I guess so and leave my cell number and head home.
I was so mad. So annoyed. So frustrated. So PISSED. No one, except the ultrasound tech, showed me any sympathy. I ended up scheduling an appointment with a different Dr the next day to talk over my concerns.

I know that miscarriages are common. I know what the statistics are. I know that I am lucky to have Ellie. I know that we will probably be able to go on and have another healthy child. I know we can try again. I know we can have another baby. But that doesn't mean that this hurts any less. I wanted this baby. And I know when people say these things they are just trying to help, or make me feel better. But it doesn't make me want to punch them any less.

Some days I'm ok. Some days I'm not. 

The first week I couldn't sleep. I would stay awake pouring over the miscarriage, stillborn, and infant loss board on baby center, getting comfort and words of encouragement from strangers. I would cry at night when I went to bed. Mike would lie next to me and hold me while I sobbed.
Now it comes in waves. All of the sudden out of the blue it will hit me and I'm crying. Seeing another pregnant woman, seeing yet another pregnancy announcement from someone who is due in January or February, the baby section at Meijer when I'm grocery shopping, little newborn clothes, the mention of our anniversary...etc. And don't get me wrong I am so happy for everyone who is due around then, but it's still a painful reminder of what I'm supposed to be preparing for. Instead I'm sitting here grieving everything that was to come. The sleepless nights, the joys and pains of nursing, giving birth, having a snuggly newborn, the teeny tiny onesies...

I'm supposed to be 12 weeks today. We were going to announce the pregnancy to the rest of our family next week. We had it all planned out. We took these pictures before we ever knew anything was wrong. I was going to give this to our Fathers on Father's Day. I ordered Mike a Fathers Day card that I made online and signed it from myself, Ellie, and the new baby.
We had already had bad news by the time it arrived.
It's amazing how things can change in just a month.

I'm supposed to be "in the clear" and instead I'm here recovering from the loss of our baby. I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. I feel like I'm not sad enough I feel like I'm too sad. Should I still be a sobbing mess? Shouldn't I be over it by now?I feel like I'm doing it wrong. I don't know how I would have ever gotten through this without my amazing friends and family. One of my friends lives in Nevada and less than 2 hours after I told her we lost the baby there was a knock at my door with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a sweet note. I was blown away. 

I am reminded of  how blessed I am to have Ellie. We aren't promised anything in this life and God gave us her. I think all of this would be 1000 times harder if this was our first baby. Or if I was farther along. It helps that Ellie keeps me busy and has been a little more snuggly the past month. I know one day I will be able to talk about everything without crying, but that doesn't mean I will ever forget our sweet baby who blessed us with their presence for 8 weeks. 
God is good, all the time. 
All the time, God is good.