Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Sometimes I lie

I don't understand why there is so much pressure for women to feel like they have to "have it all together"...maybe it's just me that feels this pressure however I digress...because I ummm…clearly don't. This feeling that I have to have it all together and be perfect is putting so much pressure on me and I AM SUFFOCATING! I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I am a liar. I know; I'm horrible. I lie to my husband (and it pisses me off that he knows that I'm lying), I lie to my family, I lie to my friends, but worst of all I lie to myself. Now before you freak out and think that I have some secret life and lie about everything let me explain. I lie about me. I slap on my happy face and tell you everything is great. I had mentioned before that I struggle with how honest and open I want to be on here. I know I have a WHOPPING 5 followers, but I also know that I have people that check-in every day that aren't on that little list. Friends, family members...Now if it were all strangers, then shoot, I will bare my soul for you, but people I know...ehhh I'd rather not. You might judge me, or you might actually get to know the real me. Who wants to admit their shortcomings? Not me. DEFINITELY not me. Help is a four letter word. It is something I DO NOT to ask for. I DO NOT need your help; I can do it on my own. I would love to be perfect. I would love to make 5 course meals every day, exercise regularly, be a skinny-mini, have a spotless house, perfect hair, be the perfect mom, and be the perfect wife. FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.EPIC FAIL. My meals mostly consist of sandwiches (or whatever heats up the fastest in the cancer box) standing at the counter while Ellie stares impatiently at me from her bumbo. At the end of the day all I want to do is absorb into the couch and do nothing, not exhaust myself on the bike or pop in a workout DVD. I am not a skinny-mini because I can' eating CRAP food. (Don't even get me started on the skeletons in that closet) My house is a mess and I can't even blame it all on the baby. I can't remember the last time I blow-dried my hair or it didn't end up in a ponytail. Ellie is 5 months old and I feel like I still have no idea what she wants when she fusses. (Don't all the books say I should know what every fuss/whine/sneeze/cough/eye booger is supposed to mean by now) And lastly I know the kind of wife that I am called to be, the kind of wife that I should be, but that doesn't stop me from being irritable/stressed/snippy.

Lord, I SO don't have it all together. But if I'm going to be honest with myself (eek) I'm sure you already know that.

I am so afraid that if I admit that I need help, or that some days I hate breastfeeding, or Ellie is making me crazy, or gasp sometimes I wish I could go to work to get a minute to myself, that means that I have failed. I should be super-mom. I shouldn't want to spend a minute away from my precious baby. I should be able to cook and clean and take care of her and my husband every day. My identity should be found in the fact that I am a mom.

When I was pregnant and blissfully unaware of the challenges a baby brings I had it all together. I knew what it was going to be like to be a mom and I was ready for all the changes it brings. HA! It's real easy to be a mommy expert when your only kid is in your belly! When I worked at the restaurant I used to always say “ugh when I have kids and we go out to eat they will never throw a fit/throw stuff on the floor/whine/run all over/yell/scream” etc. I right now, before God and all these witnesses, will EAT.MY.WORDS before she even gets to that stage. Along with all the other "My kid/baby will never..." that I so cock-ily stated before I was a mom. 

I remember when I was pregnant and people would tell me you're going to go crazy staying at home all the time, you are going to need a break, you're going to be lonely etc etc in my head I would be like yeah OK whatever. Ummm no I will not need a break, I will not want to go out one night, I will not be lonely, I will love nursing, and I will be Ellie's mom and Mike's wife and nothing more. Well 5 1/2 months later I am ready to admit.....I.....WAS.....WRONG.....Well those words tasted horrible coming up. The only reason that I have courage to admit this and tackle what is going on in my life right now is because of some blogs I have read by other moms out there who have been honest about what they've gone through. I really am not alone, I don't have to have it all together, and I don't have to be embarrassed that I'm struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions. Caring for another human is hard work. Taxing work; emotionally, physically, mentally. I love this little girl so much and I am so glad that God chose and trusts us to take care of her. I can't even begin to explain the way my heart swells when she laughs, or plays with her toys, or actually snuggles with me. Or how it breaks when she is hurting or I can't seem to figure out what she needs. But that doesn't mean I don't ever feel like I'm losing my mind. So I guess from now on I need to start being honest with myself, and everyone else. Because sometimes….I do need help.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

High Expectations

I will be the first to admit that I have high expectations. Of everything apparently. Which doesn't make any sense because I have had so few things go the way I actually imagined they would. But that still doesn't deter me from doing it, and therefore I am inevitably always let down. It's my own fault really. I always say that I would rather be surprised than disappointed, but yet a little (not so secret) corner of my mind STILL expects something and 9.9 times out of 10 I am usually left in tears. I feel like my only other option is to expect nothing. All the time. Don't ever get my hopes up because, well, I will be let down.

Let me be honest here, I do know that some of these expectations are a little unrealistic. Do I really think that Mike is going to come home with 2 dozen roses and blindfold me to take me on the most amazing date ever that ends in a romantic hot air balloon ride? Not likely. I don't know where these high expectations come from. Some of it I blame on watching romantic movies, some of it I blame on the media, and some of it I just blame on my own selfishness. My life is never going to be like The Notebook, and assuming it will be is very unrealistic. It puts pressure on Mike and when I expect the unrealistic it ends up disappointing me and frustrating him. And he really is a good husband.

Expectations aren't entirely bad. We should expect to be provided for, treated with respect, loved, put first, etc. Within other relationships (family/friends etc) I should be able to expect that they are going to put effort into the relationship also. It isn't fair for one person to be constantly putting forth the effort to be in contact and always the one trying to make the plans. To me, that isn't a friendship and I am It takes 2 people for any relationship to work.

I am learning that I need to 1.) Be relying on God for my sense of security and strength 2.) I need to make sure my expectations (and actions) line up Biblically 3.) Let go of this selfish sense of entitlement and notion that I deserve anything at all

This world has instilled in us a sense of entitlement. We all think that we deserve everything; romance, gifts, to be waited on hand-and-foot, expensive toys, big houses, perfect children, etc etc. It is so important to remember that the only thing we deserve is to be punished for our sins. But thankfully, God took that upon Himself when He sent His only Son to die on the Cross so that we don't have to spend eternity in Hell. I am so glad that I am not getting what I deserve.
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Romans 10:9-10 "If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."

**DISCLAIMER** I BY NO MEANS think that I am the perfect wife, mother, daughter(or daughter-in-law), sister(or sister-in-law), person, or friend. I fail miserably on a daily basis. I am just so tired of my heart hurting***

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Weekend Wrap-Up

I'm going to start out with a few random thoughts. A. I CAN NOT wait for my cloth diaper sprayer to get here in the mail because this whole rinsing off diapers in the toilet thing is for.the.birds. B. Don't get me wrong, I love spring and warm weather and all but I do not like the creepy crawlers that come with it. Or the spiders. I just found like 5 spider bites on my back that I got while sleeping last night and needless to say I am UNamused. I think we're going to have to move because these things CREEP.ME.OUT!!!!!!!!
C. I know this makes me a horrible person and all, but I hate Sundays. I love Church and I love the Lords day, but it means tomorrow is Monday and I hate Monday's even more than I hate Sundays because it means that Mike goes to work and it starts another long week.

So this morning I let Mike sleep in and I got up with the mini. She's currently entertaining herself under her play-mat and it just so stinkin cute! Her toothless grins and spit raspberries melt my heart! Over all other than a mini breakdown...on my part not Ellie's...yesterday this has been a great weekend. Friday night I went out with my best friend Andrea for some much needed girl time. We have been best friends pretty much since kindergarten and I am so grateful for her! I can't remember the last time I hung out with her solo. Sans the man or the baby. It was so much fun and definitely something that we need to do way more often! Yesterday we just hung out around the house and relaxed. We rented The Roommate and The Mechanic and ordered some pizza. I've been eating some dairy here and there because it doesn't seem to affect Ellie anymore HALLELUJAH and it was nice to actually be able to eat the cheese on my pizza haha! The Roommate=Creeeeee-py! I don't know if I will ever look at Leighten Meester the same way! It was still a good movie and about the closest I have come to a scary movie since I got pregnant and had to quit cold turkey becuase of the crazy hormone induced dreams! But The Mechanic ummm YUM! Jason Statham is DEEEE-LICIOUS! I love all most of his movies; Crank 2 was messed up. I swear the person who came up with that movie was on LSD. However The Transporter series is amazing, that is one of my favorites.

Today's schedule starts with church, hopefully includes a nap, and ends with Mike fixing my brothers brakes. Gotta love being married to a man who can fix pretty much anything when it comes to cars, now if only I could get a weekend with him ALL to myself!!!

What did you do this weekend?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Saturday Morning Scene

Saturday Morning Scene

Today is a lazy, pajama, no plans, bask in the sunshine kind of day! Mike got up with Ellie this morning so I could sleep in until 10 (it still boggles my mind that is considered sleeping in...I used to sleep in until 11 or 12) and I am SO grateful! So now we're just hanging out in the living room in our PJ's and thinking maybe, just maybe we'll get ready and start our day...well eventually.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Bad Day

I'm having a bad day today. I don't really know what my issue has been lately but I've just been "off". A lot of it I'm sure has to do with the house arrest that I've been under lately with Ellie's tummy troubles and the slew of issues that has come along with that. It's also been pretty crappy weather lately so that means no walks in the sunshine or vitamin D for me. And I've been feeling pretty lonely...Mike's work schedule sucks, and the days are really long when you can't leave the house or have no one to talk to. Other than babbles from my sweet girl. Don't get me wrong, I love staying home with Ellie and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I guess I'm just down because I am realizing who my real friends arenow that I have a baby. I guess that happens at every stage of life actually. When you graduate High School you lose touch, then when you get married you see who is still there, and then once you have seems your lucky to have a few still hanging around. I guess I'm really sick of having one-sided relationships where I feel like I'm the only one trying to keep in contact or put in effort. It shows me who my real friends are, and sadly there are only a few...and most of them are my siblings. HA! So maybe it's the fact that E has been giving me a run for my money lately, maybe it's the fact that I feel like I'm losing a friend, or maybe it's the rain...but tonight, I just want to put my head under the pillow and cry. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I hope tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be will. I hope.... Because I don't want another day like today.

Monday, May 16, 2011

God is bigger than the boogie-man...

It is so crazy how most of  last week was H-O-T HOT and so far since Saturday its been gross and chilly. I would like a happy medium. Warm. Not freezing, but not hot. Because neither of those extremes make me happy. I don't really enjoy being hot. I um...kindasweatalot (I know gross)...and I'm super self conscious about it so hot days for me. Don't get me wrong today would have been a perfect chilly, dreary, stay in my PJ's and take lots of naps and watch movies day, but that is so not realistic when you have a child. So instead I....drum roll please....went to a friends house and learned about couponing! Oh the exciting life of a stay at home mom ;) It was actually a lot of fun. I am ready to start my crazy money saving adventure! I learned about some awesome tricks and deals here and here. So far I know that I can go to Meijer and get Duncan Hines brownie mix for .09. That's right 9 cents!!!!! Annnnd I can get LA looks hair gel for FREEEEEE!!!! Since Mike once again sporting his Mohawk that will actually come in handy haha! I'm just so excited to save money!

So when Ellie is asleep and we have the monitor on sometimes you can hear a "click" that sounds like a light switch is being turned on and I just thought hmm that's weird. Well the other night Mike and I were in the living room and I heard it and asked him if he heard it and he said Yeah. And I was like hmm it sounds like a light switch what is it, and he said I don't know but it freaks me out. SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. Now I'm all freaked out that Casper is in our house or something and every time I hear it I text him and say "I just heard the noise again...I hate you" The other night when he first said that I had to go to sleep singing "God is bigger than the boogie-man". Really, I sang it in my head over and over and over and over until I finally went to sleep. I don't believe in ghosts or anything but that doesn't mean that my imagination doesn't run away on me.
So thanks Mike, I just heard the noise again. UGH...God is bigger than the boogie-man He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV yeah God is bigger than the boogie-man and He's watching over you and me...God is bigger than the boogie-man............."

Sunday, May 15, 2011

5 Months Old

Our sweet little girl is 5 months old today! It still amazes me that we brought this tiny precious life into the world.

Ellie's 5 Month Stats:
*You weigh 12lbs 10oz
*You are around 25in long
*You are wearing size 0-3 and 3 month clothes still
*You are still in the smallest setting on your cloth diapers and size 1 in disposables
*You eat about every 3-4 hours
You still aren't sleeping through the night, but you are sleeping so well! You go to bed every night around 7:00-7:30 and wake up around 2:30-3:00 to eat and then sleep until anywhere between 6:00-8:30. Mommy loves the days when you sleep until 8:30 :) You are going down so well when we put you in your crib, there have even been a few nights when you put yourself to sleep! You are taking your baths in the big tub now! You lay on your sponge and like to kick kick kick in the water. It is amazing how much you have changed this month. You play with your toys and love to lie under your activity center. You bat and kick at your toys. You can roll from back to belly and belly to back. If we put you down on the floor you roll around like crazy! Just this past week you discovered your feet and love to grab on to them, I'm sure soon they will end up in your mouth like everything else! You have started tucking your knees up under you like a frog and pushing yourself forward. Daddy thinks that you will be crawling by the end of the month, but I'm betting it will still be awhile! You are so vocal and love to talk to us. I think you're going to be a little chatty Cathy, like Papa says I was when I was little. You have giggled for us a few times, I can't wait until you are full on laughing! The Dr put you on Prevacid this past week for reflux and it's like your a new baby! You are so happy now and rarely ever fuss! You even let mommy get out of the house and run some errands! We are having so much fun watching you learn, grow, and change. You are such a good baby and we love you with all our hearts!

5 Months At A Glance

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Saturday morning scene

I'm linking up with Loves of Life
again for our Saturday Morning Scene. 
Saturday Morning Scene

This morning we got up around 8:30 and got  everything ready for Ellie to spend some time with her 'nother Grandma so that Mike and I can get some spring cleaning done.

 I have some secret crafts to finish up and pick up the huge mess I made

and then if we finish in time Mike is dying to go see the new fast five (or whatever it's called) movie so I think if we get everything finished then we will head to the theater. It's a pretty dreary day today so after they bring Ellie back I think we'll just hang out and keep it low key.

 What are you doing on this rainy Saturday morning??

Friday, May 13, 2011

I love Fridays!

The past two days have been great! Ellie is a new baby on Prevacid, it is so amazing! I'm so glad that she is feeling better. I hate not knowing whats wrong :( I just hope that this fixes the problem for good! Annnnnd I'm sure you are all dying to know that she went to the bathroom today....TWO TIMES! That hasn't happened since before she was 5 weeks old! Could it be....can I finally add dairy back to my diet??? I am way too scared to try at this point, why mess with a good thing!

I was able to get out of the house yesterday and today to run some errands with Ellie. She did so good. I stopped by my old job and she even let some of my friends hold her, which is a HUGE improvement from the SCREAMING she did last time I stopped by! It was so nice to get out of the house, I hope things continue on this way!

Today Mike and I did some spring cleaning. I've been itching to get things in order. We've lived in our house for over a year and a half now. I mean come on I think it's time to start putting things on the walls and get rid of stuff we haven't been using. A friend of ours is going to watch Ellie tomorrow morning/afternoon so we'll finish up cleaning and hopefully...if we get done in time..sneak off and go see a movie. I'm sure Mike will stay up all night cleaning so we can go see Fast Five or whatever it's called. haha!

But as for tonight I have some secret plans to finish up ;) and then I just want to re-lax with my man! Hope you're having a good start to the weekend!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day!!
I am so excited for all my friends who are first time Moms or pregnant, this has been such a blessed year! However my heart goes out to those who are struggling with trying to conceive or are having infertility issues. I am sure that today is hard for you. I can't say I know what you are going through, but God does and He has a plan for you. I am also thinking about those who have lost a baby, I am praying for you today, that God will give you strength and speak peace to your soul.
I am SO thankful for my own Mom, she is so amazing and has made so many sacrifices for my brothers and I. She is THE best! I hope that one day I will be the kind of mother that she has always been to me!
So this is my first "official" Mothers Day. Last year I was pregnant on Mothers Day but I really didn't understand what it was going to be like to be a mother. It is some hard work! Before I had Ellie I thought it was going to be so easy to be a Mom and raise babies. HA! I will admit I was a little lot ignorant. I really thought that my life would just go on mean I know that I would have the obvious changes but I would still be able to go out to eat, or have friends stop by, or go to my Moms for dinner (etc etc) but now I would just have this adorable little mini with me. She would smile and coo and we would fawn all over how sweet she was. REALITY: we don't go out to eat, friends may stop by but they quickly run away because Ellie will be fussy and that takes up all my attention and energy, I can't go to my Moms for diner anymore because that's bedtime and Ellie doesn't do that well out of her environment at bedtime...Nursing was also going to be the easiest most natural thing in the world. HA, maybe for other people! It hasn't been that bad, but having to cut.out.dairy has really sucked, we've played this pull off on off on off on game for over a month now, and there is the ever-present fear of "I don't produce enough milk" (FYI I am a HUGE worry wart in general!) Ellie is a moderately fussy baby and I swear she knows when I make plans and try to leave the house because it turns into melt down city. So instead I've just decided that I will be in hibernation mode until she is 1. AT LEAST lol. All of that aside, I wouldn't change it for the world. Would I like to be able to get out and see the light of day more, yes, who wouldn't. But I know this stage in my/her life is short and I will never get these days back. So I will cherish them and savor the sweet quality one-on-one time that we spend together.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the fact that I am responsible for this little life. What if I mess it up? What if she doesn't grow up to be what God planned for her to be? What if I'm doing everything wrong? What if I'm not following the "right" routine or using the "right" methods? What if I can't nurse for the first year like I planned? ETC. A girl can really get stressed out! The best advice I ever got was "Trust your instincts. Feed her when she's hungry, put her to bed when she is tired, change her diaper when she needs it, and love her like crazy. She needs your love almost more than she needs food." Wow that really put things in perspective. These are her basic needs and I need to trust myself on everything else. I need to do what is right for my baby; my family. Advice is great, and appreciated, but what it really boils down to is what works for us. Over the past 5 months I have tried to learn to trust myself, but most importantly trust that God is in control.

I am simply amazed at how much love I can hold for a single human being. I love my husband, family, and friends but this is completely different. This little girl has captured me, she is so amazing. I would do anything for her. I am so grateful that God has given this little girl to me and trusted me to raise her in a way that is glorifying to Him. (WOW that's a lot of pressure!!) I hope that I can make Him proud. Ellie you are the light of my life (cliche...ok) and I love you more than words can explain. I am so excited to watch you grow and flourish. You are an amazing little girl and we are so blessed to have you in our lives!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Saturday Morning scene

Today for the first time I'm going to link up with Loves of Life for our Saturday morning scene.
Saturday Morning Scene

I woke up to some adorable cooing from this pretty girl and after a diaper change and some breakfast we chatted and played a little bit in our bed
Grandma is coming over to spend some time with Ellie this morning so that Daddy and I can go out on an afternoon date for some MUCH needed alone time. It's been too long since we've spent time together. So we are busy tidying up the house and getting everyone ready for the day. OK, you caught me, this picture was from Thursday but this is definitely what I see in the future for today. I can't wait to enjoy this beautiful day, and spend some time with my husband. We're going to see Something Borrowed, YES!!!
What are you doing on this beautiful Saturday?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thankful Thursdays

This week, in honor of his coming graduation from Cornerstone, I am going to write about one of my big brothers, Eric.
This is why I am thankful for Eric and why I think he is so awesome
-He has always been there for me, and anyone who needs anything for that matter 
-He gives amazing, Godly, Biblical advice
-He is so fun to hang out with and we can talk about anything
-He genuinely cares about other people and what is going on in their life
-He puts his family first and would do anything for them. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
-He has a great sense of humor
-He will call just to talk and catch up, not just because he needs something
-You can always count on him
-He makes sacrifices for his family
-When I was younger he always took time to hang out with me or go play pool
-He is honest, trustworthy, loyal, genuine and hardworking
-There are so many reasons that I think Eric is so awesome but I can't write a novel for Pete's sake!
I am so grateful for the relationship that I have with my brother. Growing up we were a little too much alike so needless to say we kinda fought a lot quite a bit. But now I am so grateful that we are similar because we get along so well! One of the best decisions that I ever made was to move to NC for 6 months and that is when we really became close. A lot of people can't call their siblings friends, but I am happy to say he is one of my closest friends. He has always been there for me any time, any where no matter what. And when I say always I mean ALWAYS. Even if we had just gotten in a fight, he could put everything aside to be there fore me. I know that I can always depend on him. We have so much fun when we hang out and can talk about anything. He is such a good example of a Godly man and I really look up to him. I am so proud of him for graduating this weekend, he has put in a lot of long hours and hard work. Eric, you are such an amazing dad, brother, husband, son, and friend and I am so glad that God chose to put you in our family. You're the best and I love you so much!

-Oh and of course most importantly he married Raychal and gave my my sweet niece Leah and my adorable nephew Jackson :)

Little update on sleep (fyi I will probably do these until she is sleeping through the night...Lord help us!) Last night after the little squeaks we heard at about 8:45 little one was out until she woke up at 2:30 to eat, then slept until about 7:15. Not too shabby even though anytime before 11 8 is too early for me ha! Naps still need some work...but we'll see what tomorrow holds! 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Give it 2 weeks

Well that was short-lived. Just like my friend told me, give it 2 weeks. Is your baby doing something good, give it 2 weeks it'll change. Are you having problems nursing, give it 2 weeks. Well this was only one week, all those good days of Ellie putting herself to sleep are G.O.N.E. back are the days of swaddle/pacifier/shush/sway/rock. It was nice while it lasted. I know that SOME day she will EVENTUALLY be able to put herself to sleep at night. It will happen right? Right??? I mean really, I won't have to rock her to sleep every night and every time she wakes up until shes 30...RIGHT?? Don't get me wrong, it's not THAT hard to get the kid to sleep, but staying asleep, that's the tricky part...She constantly wakes her self up. If she rolls on her back, if her paci falls out etc etc. And then that she is awake. We tried the rice cereal in the bottle trick tonight hoping that would fill her up and conk her out..lets see, she went down about 8 and already woke herself up at 8:45. Is there some kind of baby sleeping disorder that I'm dealing with? It's crazy that for like the first 2-2 1/2 months this girl DID.NOT.WAKE.UP. Seriously, I really thought maybe something was wrong with her. I actually asked my sister "Did your kids sleep this much when they were little, because Ellie is sleeps all-the-time. allthetime." I thought I had the best sleeper ever. HA! Little did I know that I should totally take advantage of the time she slept because by 3 months she would forget how to do it.

It's insane that our most talked about topics used to be what we were doing for the weekend and where we were going to go out to eat. Now it seems all we talk about is poop.and.sleep. In that order. And the lacking of both. I know that some day she will be big and we will miss these times, but when your groggy and sleepy and have been in hibernation for the past few months (because the girl knows if you make plans to leave the house and loses.her.mind if you try to go anywhere) it seems like she's never going to learn how to sleep. Even still, sleep or no sleep, I love this little girl SO much. And after all, just give it 2 weeks, right?

Anyways, one my closest friends Amanda is in town (yayyyyy!!!) and yesterday she came over to hang out and watch me try to get Ellie to sleep and then listened to me talk about some of my current my frustrations  and then last night we went out on the town. We went cra-zy. CRAZY! This was our night. Are you ready? Really, are you ready for this?!?! We went to longhorns for dinner .yum. Then we went to babies'r'us (because I am constantly buying something and then returning it) JoAnns, Michaels, Meijer and then ended the night watching 16 and pregnant. WOW. That is some insane partying right there haha! We did have a pomegranate margarita at dinner, watch out! But it was de.lic.ious. It was so great to spend time with her seeing as how she moved like 10 hours up north and I miss her SO much!

I recently came to the realization that I eat when I'm stressed. A lot. This is really inhibiting me losing weight. I have to get it under control. In my mind I believe that I deserve a little treat because I'm stressed out. How old am I, FIVE? I deserve a treat because I made it another day, come on. I need to come up with some other way to relieve stress and "treat" myself. How about exercise (duh, right) but when I get a spare minute I just want to relax, not get on the exercise bike. Get it together Michelle sheesh! So now that I have accepted it and admitted it, it is time to change it. After all you can't lose weight by eating bad foor all the time!
Ok enough ramblings for today. Be back tomorrow for Thankful Thursdays!
I had to get these two in here. So cute!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


*****DISCLAIMER: The following post is random. A rant. The scattered thoughts rolling around in my blonde, often paranoid, brain. It is word vomit, my way to shout from the mountain tops. Something I need to get off my chest. I'm not worried if you like it, agree with it, or think I'm crazy. Hence why I wrote this. You have been warned*****

Sometimes I just wanna S.C.R.E.A.M. I get SO sick of worrying about everyone else. What everyone else is thinking, are so-and-so's feelings hurt, what does so-and-so think about me, is so-and-so mad at me, does so-and-so feel /sad/leftout/mad/happy ETC. Ya know what I think sometimes...WHAT ABOUT ME??? WHAT ABOUT HOW I FEEL? I know that this sounds selfish/childish/immature but I am SICK AND TIRED of worrying about everything and everybody. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Why does everything have to be so difficult. For Pete's sake let your YES be YES and your NO be NO. It is honestly that simple. SAY what you MEAN and MEAN what you SAY. If you want something then for THE LOVE OF GOD say it. I know a lot of it is my fault because I read into things a lot  but if people were just easier to read then I wouldn't be in this pre-dick-a-ment. I struggle with this in EVERY aspect of my life. Friends.Family.Work.(well not anymore cause I work for Ellie and well she always tells me how she feels lol) But this is ENOUGH. I am done. I'm taking the weight OFF my shoulders and I'm going to start LIVING.MY.LIFE. for God, myself, and my family. I am all about being kind.courteous.respectful but no more walking on eggshells. If it is so easy for everyone to hurt my feelings why do I OBSESS over everyone else's feelings. People ALONG WITH MYSELF. Need to quit taking everything SO PERSONALLY. SHEESH! IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS!
Hi, my name is Michelle and this is ME. I am no longer going to try and fit into your LITTLE BOX of what you want/think/ I should be. If you've got something to say, by all means say it. TO ME. This does not, I REPEAT DOES NOT, mean that I am going to be a big *B* and say whatever I want whenever I want and hurt everyones feelings. That's crappy and not the way that we should live. But it does mean that I am relieveing myself of taking on everyone elses burdens and the burden of worrying about what is going on in everyone elses head. DONE AND DONE. That is all. Thank you.