Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I Should Be...

A lot of other bloggers have been posting about how everyone seems to be in a blogging "funk". I definitely feel like I am in a funk. Not only have we been super busy this summer, but it's been really hard to log into my account and see posts from 5 of the blogs I follow about their growing bellies and their excitement for their pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited for all these ladies; but my grief from our loss is still really fresh and knowing that I should celebrating right along with these ladies is really hard for me. 

I can't bring myself to delete this app off my phone. It is really hard to see and know how far along I am supposed to be, but on the other hand it helps me to remember the sweet life that we lost. I was right around 16 weeks when I first felt the little "flutters" when I was carrying Ellie and my heart aches with the fact that I should be feeling our little nugget move soon.

 I have been doing a lot better, but just last night I was lying in bed and that all too familiar knot snuck up in my throat. No matter how hard I tried to swallow it back down I couldn't. Before I knew it I was choking back the tears. Mike grabbed my hand and asked me if I was ok. I couldn't say anything. He asked me what was wrong and between my sobs all I could say was "I...just...miss...our...baby...I...am...so...sad...we...lost...the...baby..." 

It's been really hard now that I am nearing the time that I would have had the anatomy scan and we could have found out if we were having a little boy or another little girl. 
It's hard knowing that at my best friend's bachelorette party next month I should be 20 weeks. I shouldn't be able to have a cocktail, instead I should be cherishing every little kick, punch, and roll. And at her wedding I should be 25 weeks. I should have a little soccer ball sized belly and be glowing in pregnant bliss. It's hard to think about all the milestones that we should be experiencing and preparing for, but I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget how far along I should be. I don't want to pretend that I never lost the baby or forget about the life that God gave us for just a short time. I can only hope that He will one day bless us again with a healthy sweet little baby. I know that resting in the arms of Jesus is much better than any life our baby could have experienced here. I can't wait to get to Heaven and look into our child's eyes and say "Mommy loves you so much."

Author Unknown
We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised…. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

1 comment:

the workaholic momma said...

Such a beautiful poem...I love it. I can't handle removing the app from my phone either and still get the weekly info:( Praying for you guys and hoping that things will get better soon. Hugs to you