Tired

I don't remember where I read this but it really struck a cord with me.

 "Christians don't pray because they are afraid there isn't a God, Non-Christians don't pray because they are afraid there is."

Ain't that the truth?

Lately I've really been thinking about my walk and if I am more of a help or a hindrance.To be honest, I think I have spent more of my life as a hindrance. And that breaks my heart. I think about all the people that I could have reached for Him and and I am so saddened by my selfishness and my desire to "fit in".

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Sometimes I feel like God doesn't hear me. Sometimes I feel like my little cries for help requests get lost somewhere in between. I guess if I am going to be honest with myself I have to admit that I really only go to Him when I am asking Him to do something for me. Wow I am selfish. Prayer has always been my struggle. Remember that song from Sunday School when you were little: "Read your Bible pray every day pray every pray every day. Read your Bible pray every day and you'll Grow Grow Grow..." Reading my Bible while I do not do it often enough has never really been hard for me; now pray every day....that's the hard part. I would rather just pick up my direct line to God and shout ask for His help when I'm struggling.I can only imagine how that makes God feel. It would be really hurtful if when Ellie is bigger she only called on me when she needed help or when I could do something for her. I make God sad, ouch. It is really hard to think of God as my "Father" and to think that he actually loves me and wants a relationship with me. People always say that "If you were the only person on the Earth, God still would have died on the cross for you." For me. Really. He really cares about little old me when there are 6 billion other people on this planet? 

I just don't know how to really, truly, honestly rely on Him. I asked Him to be my Savior a long time ago so it's not that I'm not saved or haven't asked Him to forgive me, I guess I am just really lacking in the "put my trust in Him part". It is so hard. I have had A LOT of people let me down in my life, and I guess I am just afraid that what if I do put all my trust in Him and He doesn't take care of me. My head knows that He will, I can read those words and quote verses to you but I still can't help but wonder what if He doesn't? In all reality I guess I can really say that I'm frustrated with myself. I make messes then ask Him to come along and sweep things up and that's just not how He works. But still, sometimes I can't help but wonder "Can you just throw me a bone here?????" It is truly the desire of my heart to be close to God and have an amazing relationship with Him, and bring others to Him, I just don't know how to believe that He is going to do what He says He will do. It is really hard not to put earthly traits on God.

I am called to "train {Ellie} in the way {s}he should go, and when {s}he is old {s}he will not turn from it." How can I do that when I am struggling myself? It's time to get it together, I am so tired of struggling. 

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Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling