Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Sometimes I lie

I don't understand why there is so much pressure for women to feel like they have to "have it all together"...maybe it's just me that feels this pressure however I digress...because I ummm…clearly don't. This feeling that I have to have it all together and be perfect is putting so much pressure on me and I AM SUFFOCATING! I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I am a liar. I know; I'm horrible. I lie to my husband (and it pisses me off that he knows that I'm lying), I lie to my family, I lie to my friends, but worst of all I lie to myself. Now before you freak out and think that I have some secret life and lie about everything let me explain. I lie about me. I slap on my happy face and tell you everything is great. I had mentioned before that I struggle with how honest and open I want to be on here. I know I have a WHOPPING 5 followers, but I also know that I have people that check-in every day that aren't on that little list. Friends, family members...Now if it were all strangers, then shoot, I will bare my soul for you, but people I know...ehhh I'd rather not. You might judge me, or you might actually get to know the real me. Who wants to admit their shortcomings? Not me. DEFINITELY not me. Help is a four letter word. It is something I DO NOT to ask for. I DO NOT need your help; I can do it on my own. I would love to be perfect. I would love to make 5 course meals every day, exercise regularly, be a skinny-mini, have a spotless house, perfect hair, be the perfect mom, and be the perfect wife. FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.EPIC FAIL. My meals mostly consist of sandwiches (or whatever heats up the fastest in the cancer box) standing at the counter while Ellie stares impatiently at me from her bumbo. At the end of the day all I want to do is absorb into the couch and do nothing, not exhaust myself on the bike or pop in a workout DVD. I am not a skinny-mini because I can' eating CRAP food. (Don't even get me started on the skeletons in that closet) My house is a mess and I can't even blame it all on the baby. I can't remember the last time I blow-dried my hair or it didn't end up in a ponytail. Ellie is 5 months old and I feel like I still have no idea what she wants when she fusses. (Don't all the books say I should know what every fuss/whine/sneeze/cough/eye booger is supposed to mean by now) And lastly I know the kind of wife that I am called to be, the kind of wife that I should be, but that doesn't stop me from being irritable/stressed/snippy.

Lord, I SO don't have it all together. But if I'm going to be honest with myself (eek) I'm sure you already know that.

I am so afraid that if I admit that I need help, or that some days I hate breastfeeding, or Ellie is making me crazy, or gasp sometimes I wish I could go to work to get a minute to myself, that means that I have failed. I should be super-mom. I shouldn't want to spend a minute away from my precious baby. I should be able to cook and clean and take care of her and my husband every day. My identity should be found in the fact that I am a mom.

When I was pregnant and blissfully unaware of the challenges a baby brings I had it all together. I knew what it was going to be like to be a mom and I was ready for all the changes it brings. HA! It's real easy to be a mommy expert when your only kid is in your belly! When I worked at the restaurant I used to always say “ugh when I have kids and we go out to eat they will never throw a fit/throw stuff on the floor/whine/run all over/yell/scream” etc. I right now, before God and all these witnesses, will EAT.MY.WORDS before she even gets to that stage. Along with all the other "My kid/baby will never..." that I so cock-ily stated before I was a mom. 

I remember when I was pregnant and people would tell me you're going to go crazy staying at home all the time, you are going to need a break, you're going to be lonely etc etc in my head I would be like yeah OK whatever. Ummm no I will not need a break, I will not want to go out one night, I will not be lonely, I will love nursing, and I will be Ellie's mom and Mike's wife and nothing more. Well 5 1/2 months later I am ready to admit.....I.....WAS.....WRONG.....Well those words tasted horrible coming up. The only reason that I have courage to admit this and tackle what is going on in my life right now is because of some blogs I have read by other moms out there who have been honest about what they've gone through. I really am not alone, I don't have to have it all together, and I don't have to be embarrassed that I'm struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions. Caring for another human is hard work. Taxing work; emotionally, physically, mentally. I love this little girl so much and I am so glad that God chose and trusts us to take care of her. I can't even begin to explain the way my heart swells when she laughs, or plays with her toys, or actually snuggles with me. Or how it breaks when she is hurting or I can't seem to figure out what she needs. But that doesn't mean I don't ever feel like I'm losing my mind. So I guess from now on I need to start being honest with myself, and everyone else. Because sometimes….I do need help.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Thank you for your honesty in this post. My daughter is 4 moths old. I didn't realize I would feel this way too & then I felt guilty for feeling this way. I am a teacher & will go back to work in the fall. I feel so blessed to have this time at home with my daughter, but some it's hard. I finally feel like I'm getting in more of a groove. Anyway, I stopped over after seeing your comment on Katie's blog at Loves of Life. Your daughter is precious!